


Maiden Voyage

by jupiter_james



Series: Saving Ourselves [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-26
Updated: 2013-09-05
Packaged: 2017-12-24 18:00:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/942963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jupiter_james/pseuds/jupiter_james
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eight years after BAaT, Kaidan Alenko and John Shepard meet each other again aboard the <i>Normandy</i>.</p><p>This story is a continuation of my MShenko fic, "Brain Camp." You don't really need to have read it to understand everything, but this fic will refer back to events in "Brain Camp", so please do read it, if you want!</p><p> </p><p>  <i>Chapter 05: The Citadel is saved. Shepard is lost.</i> <b>This chapter contains graphic sexual content. NSFW!</b></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Reunions

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Italiano available: [Maiden Voyage](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1177369) by [jupiter_james](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jupiter_james/pseuds/jupiter_james), [zubanah](https://archiveofourown.org/users/zubanah/pseuds/zubanah)



"She's a marvel, isn't she?"

Shepard turned and snapped to a crisp salute. Captain David Anderson returned the gesture with a smile then held his hand out, giving Shepard a firm, sure handshake.

"She's beautiful, sir. I'm honored to be on her crew. Or, surprised, really."

"Don't see why, Commander," Anderson answered, leaning his forearms onto the metal railing in front of them. "The _Normandy_ is the best ship the Alliance has to offer. And so is her crew."

"I appreciate the compliment, sir, but I'm still wondering why you chose me."

Anderson's eyes passed over the sleek untested ship fondly before answering. "Frankly, it's because you're you. The _Normandy_ is going to be put through her paces after this first run, and I need dedicated people with proven service records to fly her. You've already shown what you're willing to do for humanity, and I need that sort of resolve in my XO."

That was an awful lot of praise for being so vague, Shepard thought. But he accepted it. Sure, he had his suspicions that there was more to this shake down run than command was letting on, but he wasn't going to question it. Yet. He knew a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity when he saw one. There was no way he was going to blow it on insubordination. So he said, "thank you, sir. I won't let you down."

Anderson seemed pleased enough. He pushed back from the railing and motioned for Shepard to follow him to the airlock. "Let's get started, then. Most of the crew's been learning the ship since her dry dock, so you're a bit behind, but I'll show you around. Introduce you to the officers. You'll be caught up in no time."

"I appreciate it," he answered as the airlock hissed open and a tinny voice announced the arrival of the commanding officers aboard. Shepard held his breath through the first blast of the decontamination cycle - the smell nearly always made him gag - and then at long last he was granted his first inside view of the Alliance's pride and joy.

Jesus, but she was lovely. Anderson led them first to the cockpit where a very familiar face was standing at attention. 

"Joker?"

"Shepard?" A pause. Then Joker crowed with laughter. "Oh, man, the galaxy gets smaller every day."

"I can't believe you've made it this far without being discharged for insubordination." He grinned and so did Joker.

"They try, but I'm the best pilot there is. Who else is going to fly this baby? Not any of those other jackwads I trained with, that's for sure."

"A fact I'm sure will cost me some gray hair," Anderson interjected sourly. "Get her ready to fly, Joker. Commander, this way."

Shepard stifled his amusement. Alliance command always had a hard time swallowing Joker's lack of professionalism, but he wasn't blowing smoke when he called himself the best. Shepard for one, was relieved to have him at the helm. Joker had a mouth on him, and a fairly large chip on his shoulder because of his disease, but if anyone was going to keep them alive in a tight spot, Jeff Moreau was that person.

Anderson led them towards the massive galaxy map in the center of the CIC. "What do you think of the design?"

Shepard glanced around thoughtfully. "This is based on the Turian design, right?" Anderson nodded. Shepard could see the appeal. The commanding officer standing in the midst of the chaos instead of behind it. "Looks more practical to me," he ventured. "It's easier to get a sense of what's going on when all the critical systems are so close at hand."

"That's what we're hoping," Anderson answered. 

"Captain?" A crisp female voice called from the back of the CIC.

"Ah, Doctor Chakwas. Meet my XO, Commander Shepard."

"It's a pleasure, Commander," she acknowledged. Then she turned back to Anderson. "May I speak with you for a moment, Captain?"

"Of course. Shepard, your quarters are on deck three. End of the hall. Go stow your gear and we'll finish the tour later. And here, take this datapad with you. You can review the ship's specs and personnel."

"Yes, sir." Shepard saluted and then turned to the elevator. He punched the button for deck 3 and waited, allowing himself a moment to let everything sink in and let the excitement wash over him. He was one lucky bastard. He flipped on the datapad and commenced reading all about his new home.

The canned voice program announced his arrival on deck 3, and after a brief look in both directions, turned right to the end of the hall, reading the datapad all the while.

"Shepard?"

He froze. His head snapped up. Couldn't be. The familiar voice. Weathered a bit and mature enough to send a spark down his spine, but not changed enough that he didn't recognize it. Shepard turned on his heel, afraid that he was hallucinating. His eyes took in a strong body beneath a smartly pressed uniform, an Alliance-perfect salute, black hair slightly longer than he remembered. Creases around the eyes. His mouth went dry. He was afraid. So very, very afraid. Kaidan. Jesus, those eyes. Kaidan. Eight years had turned the man from a paragon into perfection. Shepard could have cried and laughed all at once if he wasn't positive that opening his mouth would have made him scream.

He returned Kaidan's salute weakly. "Would've recognized you anywhere," Kaidan said, as if there was nothing wrong. As if there wasn't a sudden hurricane blasting though deck 3, so loud Shepard could barely hear. His whole body was numb and then burning in a flash. He had no idea what to feel. Or rather, which feeling his brain would decide to settle on. Thankfully, confusion seemed to win for the moment.

"Kaidan," he said, shocked that his voice sounded so strong. "I didn't realize..." his voice trailed off uncertainly. He wasn't actually dreaming this, was he?

A throaty, wood-smoked laugh made his muscles twitch. "Yeah. Small world, huh?"

Vaguely he remembered Joker having said almost the exact same. This must have been what he was talking about. Sonofabitch. "Yeah."

"I'm head of the marine detail," Kaidan continued, his tone professionally friendly enough to make Shepard feel like a fool. "The Captain didn't tell us who the new XO was gonna be, so I'm a little surprised. Half of the crew was expecting to ship off without one. He took so long to decide."

"Yeah," Shepard repeated, feeling lamer and lamer by the second.

"Anyway, I'm sure you have a lot to see to before we get under way, so I won't keep you. It... it's good to see you again." The sudden uncertainty in his voice kicked Shepard's brain back into gear. So Kaidan _was_ actually feeling something.

"Right. It's good to see you, too. You can fill me in on the crew later." He shouldered his duffle and raised the datapad in a casual salute. "I should go." He turned around and retreated to his quarters before he had a panic attack right in the middle of the crew deck.

As soon as the door closed behind him, Shepard let out a long breath and realized his hands were shaking uncontrollably. He dropped his duffle on the floor and tossed the datapad onto the desk beside the door. He'd always dreamed about seeing Kaidan again, of course. But he'd envisioned it a lot differently. For one, he never thought a reunion would turn him into such a freaking stuttering idiot. He laughed, a self-deprecating sound. Honestly, he'd failed to take into account that even if his feelings wouldn't change, Kaidan's might. It's not like they'd made any promises. Or talked. 

Shepard gritted his teeth. Love was absolute misery. Did hope have to be so pointless? He shook his head. No. He wasn't going to jump to conclusions until he got some real time with Kaidan. He couldn't avoid his XO forever. Especially on a small frigate in deep space.

The room's intercom beeped and Joker's voice filled the room. "Commander, we're ready for launch. The Captain wants you on deck."

"Be right there, Joker," he acknowledged, shaking off his thoughts and straightening his shoulders as he left his room. He refused to screw this chance up. Keep his head in the game. It would all work out somehow. He hoped.

* * *

A few hours later, Shepard was sure hope was also a fool's emotion. Spectre consideration? A Prothean beacon on Eden Prime? Some unknown ship trying to wipe out the colony? Just what the hell had he gotten himself into?

He watched Kaidan suiting up at the armor lockers across the launch bay. Shepard couldn't hear what he was saying to Jenkins, but they both appeared completely relaxed as they rechecked their armor and weapons. He wondered how much Kaidan had been through to have so much confidence right before being dropped into hostile territory. He cursed quietly and joined Anderson by the bay doors, Jenkins and Kaidan following shortly.

"This is your show, Shepard," Anderson said. That kicked Shepard back into reality as his military training took over, listening carefully to Anderson's instructions. He could do this.

Half of the mission was a complete blur of gunfire and geth. He forced the finer details from his mind firmly, knowing they'd be in trouble if he stopped to process what was happening and the ramifications. That's what debriefings were for.

He lost track of time as he led Chief Williams and Kaidan closer and closer to their objective. They paused up the ramp near the beacon. Williams gestured towards it, indicating their target, and Shepard nodded. He glanced to Kaidan who also nodded, scooted forward on his knees, drew up a massive wave of his biotics and made a sweeping gesture. The geth surrounding the beacon lifted off the ground, giving Shepard and Williams the perfect angle to pick them off with their assault rifles. Shepard felt a thrill watching Kaidan's unrestrained biotics again. He'd been concerned about the Lieutenant holding back early on in the mission, but that uncertainty was gone now. He was annihilating everything in his path.

Geth disposed of, they checked the area for more hostiles before cautiously approaching the beacon. Everything seemed in order. And that was when Shepard made the critical mistake of letting his guard down. He turned his back on the beacon to hail the _Normandy_. 

His heart stopped as he put eyes back on Kaidan, who was suddenly being dragged towards the beacon by whatever field it generated. His body responded well before his brain had the chance. He jumped into the energy field and wrapped his arms around the one person he could not bear to lose. Not on his watch. Not ever. He threw Kaidan from the beacon, and as the energy pulse lifted him off his feet he thought, 'nothing good ever comes with playing the hero.'


	2. Salvage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard struggles to get to know Kaidan again. Naturally, Kaidan resists.

Consciousness was an awful thing. It came like a pounding hammer, relentlessly beating against his skull. Then the body aches began. Shepard refused to open his eyes, even though the nightmare burned against his closed lids tore at the edges of his subconscious. War. Death. Synthetics. All jumbled together in a painting of blood. It made his stomach bottom out. He shifted his hips uncomfortably.

"Doctor Chakwas? I think he's waking up."

Kaidan? Oh, thank god. He cracked his eyes open if only to make sure the man was still healthy and whole. "How long was I out?" he croaked.

The ringing in his ears made it hard to focus, but he listened patiently to Karin give him the rundown of his injuries. He struggled up to a sitting position, but kept his head low. It felt like his body weighed a ton. He lied profusely that he was fine - only minor throbbing - because he wasn't about to sit in the medbay all damn day.

"I'm sorry, it was my fault," Kaidan was saying, voice rich with guilt.

Shepard tipped his head up. "You had no way to know what was going to happen," he argued, really only trying to keep his morale up, but getting punched to the core when he saw Kaidan's gaze drop to the floor, and a tiny, pleased smile touch his lips. It disappeared as soon as it had materialized, but Shepard saw it. Carved it into his memory. It was both the best thing and worst thing ever. Kaidan still cared. He still fucking _cared_.

He was aware of answering questions, of Kaidan departing when Anderson arrived, of the vision still relentlessly trying to claw its way out of him. Honestly, he didn't know how he managed it. His mind was replaying the brief scene of Kaidan's smile again and again, willing it to push the horrific vision away. And it did. Oh, it did.

Soon, Anderson was satisfied and left him to his recovery. Karin gave him strict instructions to return if he had any lingering side effects. Yeah, fine. He would. No problem. Thank you and goodbye. He exited the medbay on slightly unsteady feet to find Kaidan waiting for him near the mess.

"I'm glad to see you're all right, Commander," he said, completely professional again. It set Shepard's teeth on edge.

But he swallowed his irritation and asked, "how are you holding up after the mission?"

"I've never lost a squad member to hostile fire before," he admitted quietly.

Shepard leaned back against the mess table. He'd lost friends before. Had found ways to compartmentalize, especially when it was someone like Jenkins, who he hardly knew. Regardless, he still vividly remembered losing his first man on an N7 mission he'd had command of. "It never gets easier." 

"Yeah. In my mind I know soldiers die; it's part of the life. But, I liked Jenkins."

"He was a fine solider. We did everything right on Eden Prime, Kaidan. It was bad luck." He hated the useless platitudes coming out of his mouth, but he didn't know what to say to Kaidan anymore. The words just weren't there.

"I've been holding back on my biotics all this time," Kaidan said after a moment.

"I noticed," Shepard answered.

Kaidan smiled humorlessly. "The truth is, I've backed off since we were at Brain Camp. But when I saw Jenkins go down like that... I dunno... I figured there was no point anymore."

Now that was something Shepard could sympathize with. He'd been retrofitted with a newer amp several years ago. His biotic power suffered for it, but it was safer and there were no side effects like what he'd experienced with the L2. However, there were some missions where he'd wished he'd kept the older amp. The constraints he hadn't experienced before that may have changed a bad outcome. "I told you we'd make sure Jenkins had a proper funeral, and we will. I've already made arrangements to have his body shipped back to his family."

Kaidan nodded. "Thank you, Shepard. That's... comforting."

"Are you going to be okay?"

The question sounded innocuous enough when it passed his lips, but the look Kaidan gave him made him think perhaps he'd stuck his foot in his mouth. The lieutenant straightened his shoulders. "I'll be fine. Anyway, thanks for talking, Commander. I need to get back to it." He saluted and dismissed himself to work on a faulty console on the far side of the room. Shepard watched him for a short time and then turned away, wondering all the while what he'd done wrong this time.

* * *

For the next several days, luck sided squarely with Kaidan. He avoided Shepard at every turn and the work kept all of them too busy for Shepard to find an excuse for a one-on-one. Then the fiasco at the Citadel happened. He earned his Spectre status and gained command of the _Normandy_ with a new mission to undertake. And that burning itch under his skin that refused to go away after eight years flared up again, compelling him to stalk over to the Lieutenant's work station. 

"Come with me, Kaidan," he ordered, shuddering inwardly at his harsh tone. But it got results. With raised eyebrows, Kaidan followed him up to deck 3 obediently and into his private quarters.

Shepard fell into the desk chair by the door. "Have a seat," he said. Only the bed was left, and Kaidan sat on the edge of the mattress stiffly.

"We need to talk."

Kaidan's perfect posture slumped just a little. "Guess so." He'd obviously been both expecting and avoiding this.

"Eight years is a long time." An understatement.

"It is."

"I wondered about you frequently." An even bigger understatement.

"Same here."

"You didn't even give me the chance to say goodbye."

"I know."

"Goddammit, Kaidan, give me _something_!" He had sworn to himself that he wouldn't get angry. That he'd take whatever Kaidan said - whatever Kaidan had become - and accept it for what it was. But eight years and the man lacked the decency to put more than two words together? That was unacceptable.

He was so wrapped up in his misery and selfishness, that Kaidan's return anger shocked him. "What do you want me to say, Shepard? That I'm sorry? Because I am. That I regret what happened? Because I do. That I missed you every fucking day? Because I did." His mouth snapped shut. And there he was. The kid Shepard remembered. Private and scared and hurt by him. Again.

But Shepard was hurt too. "Why would you say something like that?"

"Like what?"

"That you... that you regretted it? Regretted us? Is that how you really feel? I think I have the right to know."

"It's..." Kaidan stood and paced the small room just as he'd done back at Brain Camp. Some things really never changed. "It's not like that. I mean, it's sort of like that." He ran his hands through his hair. He stopped and turned to face Shepard directly. "I don't regret what we had," he admitted finally, "but it doesn't matter now, does it? You're my commanding officer and that's not gonna change."

Genuinely confused, Shepard said, "so?"

"So?" He spread his arms incredulously. "So it means whatever I'm _feeling_ is pointless. Look, I've come a long way to get here, Commander. More than you could probably understand. I can't tell you everything... there's too much, but I need you to understand that I'm not going to do anything that might jeopardize my accomplishments. They've been a huge struggle."

Shepard stood as well, but didn't approach him. He softened his voice as he said, "you could help me understand, Kaidan. You can trust me, you know?"

Kaidan reached out, an abortive movement, and then dropped his hand back to his side. "I know. It's just..." he paused again, meeting Shepard's eyes with such sadness it left him winded. "You and I dealt with Brain Camp a lot differently. I'm sorry."

He didn't wait to be dismissed. He simply turned his back and stepped out of the cabin, leaving eight years of unknowns in his wake. But eight years was a long time. Too long for Shepard to sit around twisted in knots over a man who still insisted on finding something to hide behind rather than telling anyone what was really on his mind. Rahna. Vyrnnus. Alliance regs. Shepard himself. Shields, all of them. And what would happen if Shepard decided to end his own cowardice and yank the damn covers away? He wasn't scared of what he'd find. Far from it. He had loved Kaidan too long and too much to care about the finer details. It was Kaidan who let all the noise get in the way. 

So in a fine fit of impulsiveness that he was famous for, Shepard took his Spectre status and pulled up Kaidan's history on his room's private terminal to read about every last dark shadow that man kept trying to hide behind. As promised, it wasn't pretty. It also solidified the thought in Shepard's mind that he would never love anyone the way he loved Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko. He smiled and pushed up out of his desk chair. Rolled his shoulders. Made his way to the Starboard Observation lounge to start a fight.

* * *

Kaidan glanced towards Shepard as he entered and then turned away directly. Shifted on the ball of one foot like he might make a break for it any second. Shepard surreptitiously dialed a code into him omni-tool and the lounge's locked flashed red before disappearing.

"Thought we were done talking," Kaidan said, staring resolutely out at the stars.

"It's fine if you are, but I'm not."

Kaidan rolled a shoulder, probably fighting back the urge to say something unprofessional to his commanding officer. 

Shepard perched on the arm of the small couch facing the large window. He casually crossed his arms over his chest and plunged headlong into battle. "I could have helped you after BAaT if you'd asked. Red Sand wasn't the right way to go."

Pure, raw fury swung around to meet him. Shepard refused to move an inch.

"You hacked my files, Shepard? That's illegal!"

He kept his face and voice measured to a neutral tone. "I'm your commanding officer. I have access to everything." Sort of. He _would have_ had full access in about three months if he dealt with Alliance bureaucracy. 

Enthralled, he watched as Kaidan struggled to get himself back in control. As he tried to come to terms with the fact that the skeletons in his closet couldn't protect him anymore. He'd expected an explosion, but Kaidan just settled on looking incredibly tired.

"So, you know everything, then," he said in a thin voice.

"Yes."

Kaidan slapped a palm to the window and shoved himself backwards to the couch. His gaze never left the stars. "I'd hoped you wouldn't be nosy enough to find out."

"Why?"

He let out a breathless sound somewhere between humor and disbelief. "You have to ask? Shepard, while I sat around in my pajamas getting dusted out of my gourd, you became this incredible Alliance soldier. I dealt in shame while you dealt in progress."

"It's over now," Shepard said reasonably. "I've looked at your service history. Given what you've been though, I'd say your climb through the ranks is pretty amazing. You've got, what, a dozen commendations already? Talk about making up for lost time. Even for someone as studious as you, that's overachieving. It's impressive. Admirable."

A small smile cracked Kaidan's lips. "Are you really that much of an optimist or are you just that bad at flirting?"

Shepard grinned, comfortable enough now to slide down the arm of the couch to sit beside Kaidan. "Both. I'm glad you're so forgiving."

"Hardly. I'm pissed."

That made Shepard grin wider. "Fair enough. I'll just say this, then. I get where you're coming from now. The regs are important to you because of where you came from. You and I, Kaidan, we're proof that people can start over. So, let's just do that. I'll be here as your CO and your friend. There's a shitstorm going on out there, and I'm betting with everything happening you'll eventually see the benefit of having a friend. I'm not giving up on you. I had your back eight years ago, and I've got it now, too."

Kaidan didn't say anything. He swallowed a few times then nodded. 

He seemed disinclined to add anything, however Shepard let it go this time. A short conversation was a million times better than the two word shutdown he'd received earlier. This was salvageable.

Shepard slid his gaze from the tight muscle trembling on Kaidan's jaw to watch the stars as well. Yeah. This was indeed salvageable.


	3. Sacrifice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Noveria. Virmire. Shepard learns how to support his crew.

Vakarian. Alenko. Williams. Lately Shepard had taken to calling them "the triplets" in his mind. The trio was always together. Training, missions, downtime. They talked guns and strategy, women and war, as the saying went. The more that Shepard observed his strange crew, the more he became confident that he was on the right track. 

He often hovered just outside of visual range while the triplets played poker in the hanger and gossiped like sailors do. Officially, Shepard chalked his eavesdropping to making sure his crew had their heads in the game. Unofficially he spied because the distance between the lower and upper decks was starting to make him uncomfortable. Ashley told him it was because the Alliance had developed quite the hard-on for him. A crude way to say he'd become their poster boy, and people were starting to notice. Hero-worship made him squirm, but if that's what Alliance morale needed, well... it had to be _someone_.

It wasn't all bad. Snooping led him to discover all the quirks that otherwise would have gone unnoticed. Tali and Adams developed quite the habit of quoting classic romance movies back and forth during mind numbing hours of calibrations in the engine room. Ashley recited _Ulysses_ under her breath when she polished her armor. Garrus recorded ANN Entertainment shows on his omni-tool to watch on his downtime. Liara didn't have many strange habits that Shepard knew of. She spent most of her time researching. Though at one point she asked Tali to recommend some good romance novels to read. Wrex... Wrex was either one hundred percent or nothing. When not shooting every enemy in sight, he sat quietly; the weight of his race heavy on his shoulders.

And Kaidan? Kaidan was everywhere. He spent plenty of time alone watching the stars, but after his conversation with Shepard, he seemed to crave interaction more. Shepard noticed that Kaidan rarely spoke of anything personal, but must have found comfort in the casual conversations with Garrus and Ashley. Maybe that was it, Shepard mused. Prone to brooding, Kaidan probably often needed to shut his head down. Play poker. Drink Ashley under the table. He never sought Shepard out in his better moods, but that worked fine. Shepard had said he'd be a shoulder. He'd rather have Kaidan's profound musings than his idle chat, anyway.

Their careful camaraderie hit its stride. And then they were called to Noveria.

* * *

No one spoke on the ride back from the mission. Liara sat shoulder-to-shoulder with Kaidan, not crying, but also not moving a muscle. She held his hand tightly, face set in a blank look.

Kaidan locked eyes with Shepard, giving him a look he hoped he never had to see again. Killing your enemy was one thing. Killing your family... that was a special kind of hell.

By the time Shepard had stripped his armor, both Kaidan and Liara had vanished from the hanger. A loud, furious clang spun him around to Ashley, who was throwing her armor pieces into her locker with enough force to rattle the whole line.

"What the hell was that all about?" she fumed.

Neither Garrus nor Shepard needed clarification. "It was a bad situation," Garrus said.

"That wasn't _bad_ , that was fucking _horrific_! And the council doesn't think this shit is a threat?" She slammed the door home, kicking it when it bounced back open.

"Ash," Shepard said firmly. "Calm down. We did everything we could down there. I wish there'd been another way, too, but we knew it was gonna get ugly. Liara was prepared."

"Seriously?" Ashley crossed her arms and tapped her foot in an angry staccato. "Forgive me for saying so, Skipper, but if that's all you think about it, then you're a damn robot or something."

Garrus knew the start of a fight when he heard one, so he stepped in and dragged Ashley bodily away, calling over his shoulder, "I'll take care of this one."

Her words stunned Shepard. Was that what they all thought of him? Some sort of unfeeling machine? Was that all they saw? Sure, he made an effort never to show weakness in front of the crew - nothing tanked morale faster - but had he been so impersonal that they thought he didn't feel anything at all? A solider on autopilot? Nothing could be further from the truth.

He stowed the rest of his gear, mystified, and took the elevator to the crew deck; towards Liara's room. He stilled right outside her door. He'd never handled grief well. Perhaps that's why his crew thought of him as robotic. He'd given a handful of speeches after losing _Normandy_ crew. Thinking back, they'd been pretty unfeeling. Professional and calm. He shook his head. Idiot. After all these years he only knew how to mourn for himself. No self-help books existed on how to mourn for the sake of other people. He could fix that. Starting here.

He raised his hand to knock, then dropped it when he heard voices. He couldn't make out any words through the reinforced steel, but it sounded like Kaidan. He used his omni-tool to tap into the room's com, sending the feed directly to his earpiece. He flinched at Liara's voice, obviously thick with tears.

"What else is the war going to ruin?"

Shepard heard the shifting of fabric and a long silence. Kaidan's voice filtered softly into his ear. "It's true. Most of us are going to be touched by what Saren's doing, but you know? Your mother didn't let him take her. Not really. Not at the end."

A sob and more rustling. "What am I supposed to _do_?"

"You're supposed to mourn. And then you're supposed to make sure to honor your mother's final moments."

A broken laugh. "That's all? You make it sound so easy."

Kaidan's warm tone. "No. No, it's never easy. There's hope, though. And we're here to help in any way we can."

Another long pause. "I'm glad. Thank you, Kaidan."

"You're welcome."

"I'm okay, now. Well, perhaps not _okay,_ but..."

"But okay enough? It's fine. Call if you need anything."

Shepard cut the feed quickly and took several steps back from the door, bumping up against the elevator. Kaidan emerged shortly, head bowed. He didn't notice Shepard until they nearly collided.

"Kai-"

The scarred, familiar lips were on his instantly, mouth opening beneath and tongue surging forward to prod Shepard's teeth apart. His arms automatically circled around Kaidan's waist. Kaidan's hands cupped his face, holding him in place at the best angle. His hips surged forward, bringing their bodies into full contact. 

In the embrace, Shepard felt both satisfied and heartsick. Maybe Ashley had been a little bit right about him. He'd never been grief-stricken enough to ignore something as fundamental to him as the regs were to Kaidan. And kissing his CO on the mouth in the middle of the crew deck? His head must have been a real wreck.

The kiss ended as quickly as it started. Kaidan moved away with swollen lips and desire warring with despondency in his eyes. It broke Shepard's heart, even as he said nothing. He'd only make it worse. Kaidan left before he had the chance, regardless.

This had to end. Saren had to be stopped. Now. There was too much at stake already. Too much suffering. Shepard called up the intercom. "Joker, set a course for Virmire."

"Aye, aye, Commander."

* * *

Ashley. The returning crew boarded the _Normandy_ almost without making any noise after that fiasco of a mission; afraid that any sound would shatter the cracked glass of sanity left surrounding them. Shepard took the elevator to his quarters without even bothering to remove his armor. He didn't feel anything. Not the weight of the armor, not the cold metal beneath his feet, not the sweat rolling down his back. Ashley. She'd died for them. Because she believed for half a second that Shepard knew what the hell he was doing. She'd said once, not long ago, that joining the _Normandy_ would bring back the honor her family name deserved. That she'd fight and die happily for the cause they all so desperately clung to. That it had been a _privilege_ serving with Shepard. His cabin door opened. It closed. Shepard pitched forward to the bathroom and vomited into the sink.

Then Kaidan was there. Shepard didn't have the strength left to wave him off. Strong arms picked him up off the floor. Steady hands slowly removed his armor piece by piece. Amber eyes stayed focused on the task at hand, cast away from the dirty tear tracks and drying blood. Kaidan bent down to unlatch his leg guards and boots. When he finished, Shepard grabbed his forearm tightly, nails biting into skin. He jerked Kaidan to his feet, pulling him close and holding on for dear life. Kaidan's hands splayed over his back, solid and unmoving. Real. Shepard bit his lip hard, struggling to keep his grief from finding its voice. The smell of thermal clips and salt water almost made him sick again, but Kaidan still held on. 

He didn't ask a question, though Kaidan still had an answer. "We're gonna end this," he said. "Ash is making sure of that."

Shepard didn't believe in Heaven. He wanted to believe in Hell. He'd marveled at Ashley's faith. How it only strengthened the deeper this battle took them. Despite what she'd seen, Ashley believed in something bigger. Shepard needed that. Because from where he stood at this very second, the universe seemed pretty damn empty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all I am so sorry for the nasty cliffhangers I've been tossing at you, and that I haven't been able to update every day. I really don't mean to be so awful. XD I don't have any backlogs, so you're getting the chapters the second I finish writing and proofreading them. Hopefully I can get ahead of this flying circus over the long weekend. <3


	4. Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard finds hope before the mission to Ilos.

"Are we the galaxy's finest, or aren't we?"

Shepard's head snapped up. Kaidan stood over him, leaning casually against the lockers. Shepard shook his head and kicked his feet out on the floor.

"It's not that simple, Kaidan," he said, almost too weary to stand.

Kaidan shrugged. "You sure? Most of the time you make it sound pretty simple. We find a way to do what needs to be done."

Shepard chuckled. "Careful, Lieutenant. You're starting to sound like me."

"Maybe that's not a bad thing," he answered meditatively. 

Shepard gave him a long, hard look. "Official channels are closed," he said carefully.

"Yeah? Then let's find something else. Some other way." The recklessness of the statement coming from Kaidan shocked him. And turned him on just a little. 

He scrubbed his hands over his head. "I don't know what other options there _are_ , Kaidan. Nothing legal, that's for sure. We're stuck by red tape and Alliance regs."

Kaidan squatted down to his eye level. "So?"

Shepard smiled, a small tug of the lips. His own challenge from months ago thrown right back at him. Kaidan. "You're right."

Kaidan stood and held out a hand. Shepard slapped their palms together and let himself be pulled up. Let Kaidan purposefully overbalance him. His heart stuttered when he felt gentle breath on his cheek. He tipped his head to the side just enough to meet Kaidan's steady gaze. Honestly, he had no idea who closed those scant few inches, but he couldn't have cared less because this kiss was what he'd always wanted. Not rushed or forceful. Just Kaidan's lips parting and giving back as much as he got. It didn't have the raw need necessary to wipe thought from his head or set a fire in his core, but it comforted him. This kiss wasn't about grief or anger or suffering or desperation. It was only about feeling. Wanting another person. Having something more important than the regs and bigger issues at hand.

Kaidan pulled away, but Shepard kept him close, running his fingers through Kaidan's curls and tugging some strands loose against the gentle crackle of static buildup from the L2 implant.

"Shepard," Kaidan said with gentle reprimand.

Shepard bent in for another round, but Joker, as always, ruined the moment. At least he had a break for them courtesy of David Anderson. Kaidan took a step back with a shake of his head and embarrassed smile. Shepard slid a hand down Kaidan's arm then made his way to the airlock. It was time to start some trouble.

* * *

Hours into the night cycle, Shepard sat running the numbers at his terminal over and over, the desk lamp casting a weak light into the shadows. He knew this mission had to be done, but after Virmire, a sick feeling settled in his stomach at the thought of risking more lives just to get beaten again. He tried to convince himself that it wouldn't happen, but if they found what they expected to on Ilos, more loss of life would be inevitable. The so-called "greater good" seemed a little heavy when weighed against the lives of his friends and crew.

Behind him, his cabin door swished open, though no one had knocked. It could only be one person.

"Commander?"

Kaidan. Kaidan. The ringing echo in his head returned full force. He stood and met Kaidan half way across the room, hoping he looked steadier than he felt. He wasn't surprised when Kaidan said, "what happens if this doesn't work out?"

So the regs were starting to tighten a strangle hold onto him again. Not that he didn't understand. Mutiny, stealing ships, and kidnapping broke pretty much every rule ever written in the Alliance handbook. He flinched a little. He'd probably single-handedly ended all of their careers. 

Kaidan obviously realized the impending consequences too, because he was rattling off a list of what they'd be slapped with during their courts martial. Shepard waited patiently for him to get everything off his chest. He deserved to be heard, especially since he was willingly throwing himself in the fire at the cost of his own wellbeing and future.

His speech seemed to go on forever, Shepard feeling lower and lower until Kaidan veered off and said something completely unexpected.

"You're right about everything," he said in a low voice. "I think about losing you and I can't stand it."

Shepard took one step forward, his full attention suddenly riveted on Kaidan's mouth. Had he really just said that? He searched Kaidan's face, taking in every word and every shift of his expression. And then it hit him. Kaidan thought they were going to die on this mission. He thought it was the end of everything and didn't want to go out leaving anything unsaid or undone. 

Brought back together by hopelessness? Well, Shepard had worked with less. So he told Kaidan to stay the night.

Kaidan insisted that nothing could change.

Shepard was certain that everything would. He grabbed Kaidan and yanked them together, mouths and bodies colliding with eight years of desperation to dissipate between them. For his part, Kaidan reacted enthusiastically. His arms were around Shepard's waist, sealing their bodies together as his lips sought as much of Shepard's skin as possible in quick succession. Breathless short kisses left patches of heat on Shepard's chin and jaw and neck, punctuated by long explorations of his mouth. Shepard moaned into Kaidan's mouth as his hands gripped the older man's ass, grinding their erections together. 

Kaidan worked an arm between them to clumsily unzip Shepard's hoodie. Shepard leaned back a little to remove the offending layer. He looked up into those amber eyes, so familiar and filled with the same want as eight years ago. He reached up and took Kaidan's face in his hands, drawing small circles with his thumbs over Kaidan's cheekbones to his temples. Those russet eyes drifted closed briefly as a sigh slid from his mouth.

Shepard kissed him again slowly. He willed away his desire to tumble them onto the bed and take what he'd been dreaming of for so incredibly long. He needed - more than anything - for Kaidan to understand just how big a part of him he was. Shepard had said he couldn't fight this battle alone, but he needed more than his crew. More than the _Normandy_. More than the loyalty of the people who followed him. He needed _Kaidan_. His pride might prevent him from telling the man exactly how essential he was, but actions could speak just as loud as words. At Brain Camp, Kaidan had kept him off the ledge in a place where it would have been a relief to let his sanity slip. The years they'd lost contact and Kaidan's name whispered to his mirror had been enough to keep him steady. And now, today, Kaidan didn't know it, but kissing him was keeping Shepard from drowning completely. 

He held Kaidan's eyes as he reached and leisurely stripped Kaidan of his uniform. An unreadable expression settled over Kaidan's face, but he maintained eye contact. His breath picked up as Shepard bent down to remove his pants and untie his boots. He smirked. Kaidan. Kaidan.

Heady with Kaidan's scent, Shepard pushed up on his knees and pressed a tiny kiss to the head of the twitching erection. Kaidan's muscles jumped. His breath hissed between clenched teeth. He brushed his knuckles over Kaidan's balls as he wet his lips and took his cock into his mouth, sucking the precome as if it was the nectar of the gods.

Kaidan's hands fisted into his uniform, hauling Shepard to his feet. His eyes were unfocused and dark with desire. "Overdressed," he slurred. 

Shepard chuckled and shed his clothing. He allowed Kaidan to guide him to the bed where they slid down together, entwined, hands exploring. Shepard took the opportunity to try out something he'd always wanted to do. He ran his hands up Kaidan's back at the same time activating his biotics to follow the trail of his fingers. Kaidan shuddered against him, arching forward until they were pressed even closer together. 

"Wha-what are you doing?" he said, voice wavering.

"Exploring," Shepard murmured. "Give it a try." His biotics crawled up over toned shoulders and down biceps. It sent Kaidan's body shaking.

He felt Kaidan's fists against his chest clench and then crackle with biotics as he unclenched and swiped his palms over pectorals and abdominals. The static started an answering tremble in Shepard's body. His head swam. With or without biotics, Kaidan made him feel _so fucking good_. 

He took Kaidan's erection in hand, moaning in appreciation at the feel of the soft flesh against him. "I missed this. You."

"Shepard." Kaidan rolled them over and sat up. He put a hand on Shepard's chest when he made to follow. "Let me do this for you," he said. 

That lit a fire in him. He watched Kaidan stroke his legs and part his knees, feeling every touch more than he imagined possible. He grabbled at the low end table for the lube and passed it to Kaidan. Kaidan popped the cap and slicked it over his fingers and down his cock. Shepard gritted his teeth to bite back a curse as a long finger slipped deftly inside him, curling and twisting in a way that sent spots dancing in front of his eyes. Another finger joined soon after, spreading and probing and drawing out pleasure from so deeply inside him he wondered vaguely if he would be able to stay conscious. His hips bucked up involuntarily as Kaidan hit that sweet spot again and again. Tingling started in his toes, gradually moving up his legs and to his groin. He cried out sharply as Kaidan one-upped him and sent a small shock of biotics right against his prostate. 

"Jesus, Kaidan!"

Kaidan's fingers withdrew and his warm weight settled on top of Shepard as he positioned himself and gradually entered him with light, shallow thrusts. The fullness and friction felt heavenly and Shepard responded to the thrusts, driving Kaidan deeper with each one. By the time Kaidan was buried in him completely, they were both gasping for breath, so close to the edge. So close.

Kaidan balanced on his forearms, his hips moving at an erratic pace. Shepard grabbed at Kaidan's ass, pushing him deeper. Faster. Demanding more contact.

Kaidan's orgasm rippled over his entire body. His muscles tightened as he shuddered with a hoarse cry. Shepard followed almost immediately after, spilling between them and unable to do more than gasp Kaidan's name while holding onto him for dear life.

Minutes that felt like hours passed as they caught their breath. Shepard's thoughts drifted idly, not focusing on anything except the patterns Kaidan drew lightly over his shoulder blades. Finally, Shepard felt Kaidan suck in a deep breath, hold it for a heartbeat, and then murmur, "it's all gonna work out, right?"

Shepard shifted onto his back. Kaidan's hand automatically readjusted to paint the same patterns on his chest.

"I hope so."

"And you and me?" He turned his head to gauge Shepard's reaction. Blue eyes met brown.

"Kaidan, you being here now is the only thing keeping me together. I don't know if I made the right call. I know Saren has to be stopped, and we're the only ones who can do it. I've never made a habit of doubting myself before... but I'm scared. I don't know what we'll find on Ilos. I don't even know if we'll survive." He caught Kaidan's hand with his when the other man touched his cheek lightly. "But you being here with me is the reason I haven't lost hope."

"Me, too," Kaidan answered. "Shepard, no matter what happens or what we find, I'm staying right here. I won't run away again."

Shepard thanked him, even though he'd never doubted for a second. He'd lost Kaidan once. He'd resolved never make that mistake again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Geez, that three day migraine sure prevented me from getting ahead on writing.


	5. Departure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Citadel is saved. Shepard is lost.

It was a testament to their loyalty that no one had called Shepard really fucking crazy as he raced the Mako towards the beam on Ilos, not one hundred percent sure of where they'd end up. Or even if they'd survive the journey. 

He'd almost been relieved as he felt the Mako crash against solid ground and pitch into a violent roll. 

Now, however, he wasn't so confident of his past... well, _confidence_. The pain in his body matched perfectly to the pain in his chest. He'd known exactly how many souls were on board the Alliance ships that had been sacrificed to Sovereign when he ordered the fleets to save the Ascension. He knew that no matter what course he took, his hands would always end up dirty. He wasn't entirely sure he could live with himself despite the countless lives saved, but he had to solider on. No matter what. No matter _how_.

He attempted a deep breath to focus and assess his injuries. First wound of note: broken ribs if that breath was any indication. His left arm throbbed and appeared to be pinned beneath heavy debris. Nothing else movable felt broken, though. The rest of the bruising and scrapes he could deal with. He pressed his right hand against the debris. Despite the protest of his ribs, he braced himself by taking several rapid breaths, holding the last one in. He clenched and unclenched his fist then shoved as hard as possible, backing his strength with a push from his biotics. The large beam creaked and slowly shifted off of him. He squeezed his eyes against the searing pain as he struggled to a sitting position. The piercing ache made his head swim. Definitely a broken arm. 

He opened his eyes and looked around the council chamber. What a disaster. He almost laughed at the incongruous sight of a huge chunk of reaper planted in the center of the council chambers, but stalled the sound. Laughing would have hurt. Time to stop stalling and find a way out. He dug in his supply pouch for medi-gel and dialed it into his omni-tool. It flooded his veins with ice followed immediately by relaxing warmth. He sighed thankfully. Better.

Using his good arm he hauled himself up and over the pair of beams that had pinned him before. Seemed steady enough. He heard the distant sound of banging and heavy tools. Must have been a rescue team. He followed the sound through the wreckage, glad for the medi-gel as he dropped ten feet between busted reaper parts. He could have cried when he caught sight of Garrus and Kaidan alive, if not unharmed. He'd never seen such a beautiful sight.

Kaidan spotted him as he struggled over the last of the reaper wreckage separating them. The look on the man's face made Shepard smile. Made him feel _alive_ , really alive, for the first time in years. They'd done it.

* * *

Shepard was hardly surprised in the following months after the attack on the Citadel when the Alliance tried to sweep him and his crew under the rug until things had calmed down; until people's memories grew hazy on the details. The practical side of him understood completely. People wanted to forget war and find normalcy again as soon as possible. He did, too. Even if his idea of normal was carving through swaths of husks. But for the civilians, normal wouldn't happen with the figure head of the war still prominently placed as a daily reminder. However, the impractical side of him wanted to kick Alliance command's ass for tossing him out here into the godforsaken Terminus to hunt pockets of geth. Was it really necessary to put him so far out of the way? Couldn't the brass at least be a little bit less obvious about their motives? Goddamn, but he was bored.

Not like it was all bad. For one thing, being so far away from Alliance control made some regs... less important. Sure, Shepard still ran the _Normandy_ with Alliance precision and seriousness. But he reasoned that if he had to be stuck on shit jobs, he'd take advantage of the perks. Meaning Kaidan now shared his cabin, regs be damned.

Bless the man, but Kaidan had balked at the move at first. Then Tali stole his bed sheets. When that failed, Engineer Adams rerouted the hot water every time Kaidan stepped into the crew showers. Joker followed that up by swiping his omni-tool and reprogramming it to pull up a different nude Elcor picture from the extranet every time he turned it on. Then, finally, _finally_ Kaidan gave in when even Liara turned on him by setting his alarm clock to play ancient Asari opera at ear-splitting levels. That same evening, Kaidan showed up at Shepard's cabin, exhausted and irritated.

A slow, sly grin spread across Shepard's face as he welcomed his lover into his room.

Kaidan tossed his duffel on the floor beside the queen sized bed. "You're so childish," he muttered, only a slight bite to his words.

"What's power if not to abuse during downtime?" Shepard answered lightly.

"I'm calling Hackett on my next duty shift. Your boredom is starting to get out of hand."

Shepard lounged casually on the desk chair. "You're gonna tell on your commanding officer?"

Kaidan meandered up behind him, draping his arms over Shepard's shoulders. He threaded his fingers together just under his collar bone. "Of course not." His lips barely brushed the shell of Shepard's ear. "But if you keep pulling these cheap pranks, I could make your life pretty miserable."

"I know you're trying to threaten me," Shepard said hoarsely as Kaidan's breath tickled over his ear and warm lips gently touched his amp port, "but it sounds really sexy."

Kaidan hummed as he spun the chair around to face him. He held out his hands. Shepard took them without comment and allowed Kaidan to lead him to the bed. They sat side by side, staring at each other, taking each other in.

Shepard reached out first to touch the old scar on Kaidan's lip. "Tell me this is all fine, Kaidan."

Kaidan brought his hand up to stroke Shepard's wrist. "What do you mean?"

"It's... I don't know." His gaze slid away. "Up until now it's just felt like there's never been enough _time_. Like we've hit and missed each other a lot."

Kaidan smiled, a little bitter and a little amused. "That may be true, but we've known each other for a long time now. And it's always been under pretty extreme circumstances. The hits and misses couldn't be helped." He drew Shepard's eyes back with a light touch to his chin. "Are you worried about something?"

Shepard spread his fingers and threaded them through Kaidan's hair from forehead to the base of his skull, loosing the waves that were slightly too short to be full curls. "I'm worried about more misses."

Kaidan's hands moved to unzip Shepard's black hoodie, revealing the tanned skin underneath as he pushed the fabric away. "You're being pessimistic."

"How so?" He tugged Kaidan's uniform shirt free of his belt and then unclasped the buttons expertly, tossing the discarded clothing behind him.

Kaidan's amber eyes focused on him seriously even as his fingers explored skin and muscle. "We've always ended up right back here, haven't we?"

Shepard paused in his movements, considering the man before him. The one man he'd been able to encounter again even when an impossibly vast universe had been spread between them. He didn't believe in fate or luck; never contemplated them, actually. Then again, he'd never questioned them, either. He'd found Kaidan again after eight years and never stopped to wonder how or why. It had simply felt as though it was supposed to happen. The most natural thing in the world. He snickered. Perhaps he really was childish like Kaidan had said. That line of thinking sure was.

"You're a real romantic, Alenko," he chose to say.

"It's part of my irresistible charm, Shepard." His finger slid up to brush Shepard's amp port again, making him jump and bite back a gasp. "It may sound corny, but I've got this ridiculous faith in us. Every time we make it through another impossible situation I feel stronger about us. That hasn't changed in all this time, and I hope it never does." 

Kaidan kissed Shepard with an aching slowness that burned him with love. He mirrored Kaidan's movements as hands worked gracefully over arms and chest and stomach, mapping the ridges and planes. Shepard kept his eyes open and watched Kaidan dip his head to press kisses along his collar and shoulders. Shepard's hands tangled into tousled hair, keeping their bodies connected together as they dipped backwards to the pillows. He let Kaidan remove their pants swiftly and roll them onto their sides, grinding their sensitive erections together. 

Shepard felt his brain fog over with desire that left him delirious; almost drowsy. He stroked Kaidan's amp port, sending the man into a shudder of pleasure. Hands grasped the sides of his head, foreheads pressing together. Kaidan opened his eyes, locking their gazes, hardly blinking as they stroked each other's amps and thrust their hips together in a desperate rhythm. Shepard's orgasm began under his amp port, shooting down his spine and ricocheting from his toes to his groin. He moaned long and low. An answering cry came from Kaidan as his fingers squeezed tighter on his skull. His back arched deliciously as his cum spurted between them. A second later he shuddered and moaned Shepard's name. That was enough to send Shepard into his own strong orgasm. He thrust one more time against Kaidan and his cum pulsed out.

They stayed in that position for a long time, holding each other's faces, gasping each other's air, staring into dilated eyes as their breathing returned to normal. Kaidan blinked and grinned, tilting his chin up for a kiss. Shepard smiled into his mouth as happiness welled up, dusty and disused, but still how he remembered it.

* * *

The weeks passed. Shepard's restlessness began to rub off on the crew. Or it might have been them growing as bored as him. Either way, no one bothered to muster up any shred of enthusiasm anymore as they charted yet another empty grid. A pure waste of time, though Alliance transports had gone missing in the area. None of them expected to find anything. In fact, Shepard had ordered a survey mission on the planet below just for a change of pace. Anything. He readjusted his chest plate as he waited for Pressly to give the shore party the all clear to land.

The attack happened almost before they could react. The large, unidentified ship hit their intercept course, and for all of Joker's impressive abilities, outrunning the ship was impossible.

Shepard hadn't known fear in quite awhile now, but he felt the familiar cold run through his veins followed quickly by a blank sense of calm as he yelled for his crew to abandon ship. He'd imagined some awful scenarios before, but nothing like losing the _Normandy_. He raced from the bridge and caught sight of Kaidan as he hustled the crew towards the escape pods. Another explosion rocked the ship and he stumbled towards Shepard, barely keeping his feet.

Kaidan. He had to get out of here. He couldn't go down with the ship. Not now. Shepard fastened his helmet and ordered Kaidan to leave. He tried to refuse. Shepard issued him a direct order. He complied, to Shepard's relief.

Convincing Joker to abandon ship took considerably more effort. No matter how many years he stayed in the service, Joker would never learn how follow orders without question. Honestly, Shepard tried to be as gentle as possible as he hauled his pilot's ass to the escape pods. Shepard's panic began to fade as the pod's door opened and Joker settled inside. In retrospect, Shepard realized that he never should have turned around to take one last look at the ship burning around him. 

The next explosion pounded his back and then he was falling. Or drifting. He heard Joker's shout as his hand flung out to hit the release on the pod, and then it all went quiet. So very, very quiet. Except for the hiss in his helmet. Hiss? No. No! Not like this. His panic could not be contained this time. He cried out and grappled at his helmet, a futile attempt at stemming the flow of escaping oxygen. He was going to die. He was dying. Spaced. His absolute worst nightmare. Dying. No! There were still so many things he had left to do. Left to say. He opened his mouth to scream, but the pressure in his suit squeezed him too tightly for words to push from his lungs. Almost too tightly to breath. It wouldn't be long.

Shepard was dying. The less oxygen there was, the more he felt himself relax. Felt that inescapable calm before the end. No use struggling. He should have been more scared. Should have been more angry. Should have been more _something_ , but he just couldn't get his brain to process anything clearly. So little air. There was something important he had to... something...

He stilled. 

"Shepard."

There was no more air. None left to tell Kaidan that it was okay. That he'd done everything right. Been the perfect calm in the storm. Saved him since the very beginning. 

He knew it wouldn't be long now. Felt the inevitable tugging at him. But still he prayed to hear it just one more time. Closed his eyes. Once more, Kaidan. Please.

"Shepard."

_Kaidan._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay tuned for Part 3! There's a lot to work with in ME2 and ME3, so I'm pretty stoked!
> 
> Thank you so very, very, very much for reading and commenting! I can keep up the story with confidence because of all your feedback and support!


End file.
